Connects with: Gift of the Dark, River of Blood, Shadow Girl & The Libelle Papers
Two Hearts © February 2023 E. C. Hibbs
Berlin, West Germany
July 1976
The scent was always what struck me first, then the sights and sounds. I followed my senses through twisting streets, alert to every movement. The oblivious humans around me paid no mind – I looked no different to them: blue jeans, shirt, unassuming shoes, hands in my pockets. One curled around the syringe I had hidden there.
Somewhere in the city, a clock chimed eleven. Faraway nightclub music drifted on the air. I ignored it all, and concentrated on the trail. I had lost count of how many times I had done this. I was alert, yet repeating motions, the same way I could repeat the same experiment over and over again. Blood smear after blood smear.
At last, the scent became stronger. I followed it past Charlottenburg Palace, and then found Mina. She had drawn the shadows about herself, so I couldn’t see her, but my nose honed in on her with the utmost certainty.
A group of half-drunk women walked by. I heard her hiss.
I wasted no time and ran at her. As soon as I felt her, I drove her down, and plunged the syringe into her buttock. She thrashed like an animal, but I held her firm, one hand across her mouth, until the anaesthetic took effect.
The women passed with no mind to us. They hadn’t seen a thing.
When I was sure Mina was asleep, I gathered her in my arms, spread my wings, and took to the air. The giant appendages protruded effortlessly from my shoulder-blades. I was so used to them by now, after half a lifetime of using them and even longer observing them. I was a Bernstein, after all: the latest in a line of venom which had come down the family since the 1700s. This was, to excuse the irony, in my blood.
I flew as low as I dared. The city opened beneath me in a great tapestry of light, the Wall cutting through it in a jagged line. Thank God Mina hadn’t thought to cross it this time. During one of her episodes, she had made it as far as Checkpoint Charlie before I had managed to restrain her. If it weren’t for a vampire’s ability to blend into the shadows, she might have been shot.
I landed, pulled the wings into my back, then walked around the corner to our apartment block. I took the elevator. I was too exhausted to carry Mina up the stairs. When I finally stumbled through the door, I laid her on the bed, and checked her vitals. Her pulse was strong, her breathing regular, albeit with a soft dry hiss on each exhale. She needed blood.
I fetched a transfusion bag from the fridge and held it against my chest to warm it quickly. Then I fitted an IV needle to the end, slid it into her arm and secured it with tape. This way took longer than drinking, but I had realised some time ago that Mina couldn’t be trusted to ingest it. She had suffered more blood rages than any juvenile vampire I’d ever heard of. Even looking at her now, incapacitated, I didn’t see the woman I loved. I only saw danger.
I fell back into a chair with a sigh. Against the wall, in a double bassinet, lay our twin daughters. They were barely a month old. The elder one, Jocelyn, was the smaller, but I could tell she would be strong in time. Her body was well-defined and as plump as a partridge. As for her sister, little Hanna, her head was already crowned with the red hair of the Bernsteins.
Neither of them had moved since I had run out to find their mother. I was sorry to admit that I was so used to it now, I didn’t worry about leaving them alone. The longest I had ever been gone was fifteen minutes, and even that was fifteen minutes too many. I could have spent those fifteen minutes being a father.
I felt my eyes drooping. Despite my exhaustion, I refused to fall asleep. So I shrugged out of my jacket, returned to the kitchen, poured a little extra blood into a glass and drank it in two gulps. I did it fast, so I couldn’t concentrate on the memories. Full vampires like myself were always subjected to those when we drank.
The person who had donated this bag was an older man. His parents had been on the Eastern side when the city was forced in two. He hadn’t seen them in fifteen years.
The blood invigorated me, but I knew I couldn't rest. I played Elton John’s Caribou on the turntable for some background noise. It was my favourite album, cheering me at the same time it spoke to my thoughts. There was no irony in admitting that should I lose everything, it would be like the sun going down on me.
Suddenly, Mina stirred. I flew to her side and perched on the mattress, ready to restrain her should she lose control again. I forced myself to focus, as a Doktor should. But with her, a splinter of weakness had always broken through my training. I loved her, as much as I had come to fear her. Each time, it hurt more and more. For my entire life, being from a medical family, I had essentially grown up around laboratory equipment and scientific surfaces. But now, I felt like I was living in a psychiatric ward. Every piece of hard furniture was wrapped in fabric. The cutlery drawer was secured with a lock. I had been forced to make such adaptations when Mina first lost control, hoping it would pass. That was almost four years ago.
I smoothed her hair. She flung herself backwards as though I had touched her with a hot iron.
“Be careful!” I cried, snatching her arm before she could dislodge the IV needle. “Lie still! It’s me!”
“Let go!” she snapped.
“I will, when you’re calm.”
She drew in a breath, so deep and slow, it looked as though it physically hurt. Then she turned her eyes on me. The irises were completely red.
“What did you do to me, Wilhelm?”
I released her and handed over a glass of water.
“I had to put you out. You lost control,” I replied. My voice was monotone, like clockwork. I was so tired.
“No, I didn’t,” Mina protested. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not. This is the second time this month.”
I put my nose close to her neck and sniffed the scar there. Beneath the scent of blood, sweat and day-old soap, I caught venom. It was acrid, bitter, like warm vinegar. But it was no more potent than normal. There was nothing to suggest she might complete the final transformation into a full vampire tonight. I knew it would be soon – I had run the blood test which told me it would be this year – but that still only provided a twelve-month window.
A part of me couldn’t wait to have it over and done with. For as long as I had known her, she had been like this: a frightened and lonely juvenile, no turner, no family, no friends. It took so long for her to trust me, and so little time for me to fall too deeply. She was beautiful when she was not vicious, sweet when she was not mad. I wanted to believe, even if it was against my better judgement, that by taking the chance to restore her humanity, I might also restore some semblance of sanity. In a life now dominated by both my study of vampirism and my nursing of her, it was all I had to cling to.
“Am I close?” Mina asked, half hopeful, half languid.
“I don’t think so,” I said.
“How much longer?”
“I’ve told you. I can’t say for sure.”
“What did I do this time? Did I hurt anyone?”
“No, luckily.”
I buried my face in my hands. Just before my fingers covered my eyes, I caught sight of the girls again.
“You need to try, Mina. This is getting dangerous.”
Mina bared her teeth. “Don’t you think I’m trying? You know I didn’t want this!”
Frustration cracked through my patience.
“Try harder! There are a good many vampires who didn’t choose anything, but still they hold on! They don’t run off! They don’t put their children’s lives in danger before they’re even born!”
Mina sat bolt upright. “For God’s sake! How many times am I supposed to apologise for that? I would never hurt my children!”
I shook my head with a snarl, got to my feet, and opened the window over the bassinet to let in some fresh air. My hands shook.
“Wilhelm?” Mina said.
Her voice was so fragile, so like the first time I had heard her, that my heart tore in two. But I couldn’t look at her. Instead, I fixed my eyes on my daughters. They hadn’t stirred, not even as the volume grew higher.
One day, they would carry on the Bernstein legacy. Regarding them now, so fragile and innocent, I hated the idea of sinking my teeth into those tiny necks when they were old enough. But it was the way of things. Every generation needed to play their part, parent to child, turner to juvenile, Doktor after Doktor. It was how we had been for almost two hundred years.
“Wilhelm,” Mina said again, more desperate this time.
“What?”
“I… I don’t know. Please don’t turn away from me, not now.”
I kept still. “How do I know I can trust you anymore?”
“Of course you can trust me! I trust you!”
“That’s not the same. You know it as well, even if it’s only deep down in your gut.”
A sob choked her. “What are you saying? Wilhelm! I will try, I promise! I just… Nein, nein! Stop it! Stop!”
Then I did look at her. She slapped her head, and grabbed handfuls of her hair, as though she meant to wrench it out of her scalp. I ran over, pushed her onto the mattress, and in one deft movement, slid the IV free and held a cotton swab over the puncture. She kicked out, tried to scratch me. Her mouth opened so wide, I thought she might dislocate her jaw.
And then, as fast as it had come over her, she stilled, panting for air. Cautiously, I let go of her.
As soon as she felt me relax, she sprang off the bed and shoved me to the floor. A scream tore itself from her throat – not a sound of pain, or of the final transformation, but of pure unhinged emotion. Before I could even react, the lamp flew across the room, followed by the alarm clock, and the wicker table both had stood on. It slammed into the wall, barely missing the bassinet. At once, Jocelyn and Hanna awoke and began crying.
That broke something in me. I flew at Mina. She raked her fingernails down my face. Blood streamed from the puncture hole in her elbow.
Panic blinded me. I grabbed my jacket, wrapped it around her front, and tied the sleeves behind her shoulders.
“Get off me!” she shrieked. “I haven’t been naughty!”
Furious tears burned my eyes. I had heard many shrill and terrible sounds in my life, but my daughters’ wails pierced my ears as though needles had been driven into my head.
“That’s it,” I said, and as the words left my lips, I knew they were true. “I’m taking the girls somewhere they can't be hurt.”
I heard Mina’s heartbeat shoot up.
“Nein!” she wailed. “Wilhelm, I’m sorry!”
“Are you?” I snarled. “You could have crushed them just now!”
“I didn’t mean to! Please don’t do this! Don’t leave me alone! You promised you would be there for me! You said you would turn me back!”
“I can’t do anything when I think you’re a danger to our daughters. I have to put them first. At least I’m strong enough to defend myself when you attack me. But they aren’t.”
Mina cried my name again, but I ignored her. I locked every window. I stuffed a change of clothes into a backpack, along with some money and baby supplies, then placed the girls, one by one, into a carrying basket. Finally, I reached under the bed, opened the safe concealed there, and took the silken package from inside.
“Wilhelm!” Mina wept. “Please! Don’t do this to me!”
I pulled the backpack on, and picked up my children.
“Don’t follow me.”
When I turned away, I bit my lip so hard, it began bleeding. But I made myself put one foot in front of the other. Then I stepped through the door and locked it behind me, so she wouldn’t be able to break out and hurt anyone else.
I knew I would be back when I was calmer, to discuss what we might do next, but for now, I had to get away. The last thing I heard as I entered the elevator was the record I had left playing, entwined with her frantic weeping.
I took a taxi to a hotel several miles away, and asked for a room on the top floor, in case I needed to fly quickly. Then I calmed the girls, changed them, and fed them one after the other. Hannah fell asleep like a light being turned off, but Jocelyn continued fussing, so I held her in my arms and sang softly under my breath.
My entire body ached. I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. Even now, my usually-steady hands trembled. But away from Mina, the fire began to cool into clarity. I needed to think calmly, rationally, like the scientist I was.
She would be fine for one night. She had taken blood – more than enough – and there was food in the refrigerator. I would return in the morning.
And do what? I knew the answer. It floated somewhere within me, barely tangible. I just needed to wait until it drew close enough to the surface to comprehend, and accept it.
Jocelyn’s eyes closed. I laid her beside her sister on the second double bed.
“This will be for you,” I whispered. I knew they couldn’t understand, but I needed to hear it, if only to draw some semblance of strength.
I turned to the silk package and opened it. Within lay a battered book: small, but crammed with pages and notes. The sight of it brought a wave of comfort. It was the complete record of everything my family had discovered about vampirism, passed down from father to son alongside the venom itself. I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t known of it. As a boy, I had been taught how to read the secret code. I had leafed through it as other children might read a bedtime story. Even during the War, when my parents and I had fled to Switzerland to keep it from Mengele, it was the one constant; the one certainty amid a world of chaos.
One day, I would add my name to the first page, underneath those of all my predecessors. To a Bernstein, there was nothing more precious.
Until now. Until I had held my precious daughters in my arms. And no matter that their mother and I were no more, I owed her salvation to them, if nothing else. So, as I had done so many times, I opened the book at the page where I’d wedged my notes on Mina's progress. For the first time, I hated the cold way I had written everything. It had to be scientifically sound, of course, for the benefit of whoever read it after me, but where was my heart? Where was the love I’d once had?
I glanced at the photo of her, paperclipped to the notes. I had taken it last year, when she told me she was pregnant. It was the first time I had seen her truly smile.
I had given her that smile. And now, I would take it away.
Somewhere in the city, a clock chimed eleven. Faraway nightclub music drifted on the air. I ignored it all, and concentrated on the trail. I had lost count of how many times I had done this. I was alert, yet repeating motions, the same way I could repeat the same experiment over and over again. Blood smear after blood smear.
At last, the scent became stronger. I followed it past Charlottenburg Palace, and then found Mina. She had drawn the shadows about herself, so I couldn’t see her, but my nose honed in on her with the utmost certainty.
A group of half-drunk women walked by. I heard her hiss.
I wasted no time and ran at her. As soon as I felt her, I drove her down, and plunged the syringe into her buttock. She thrashed like an animal, but I held her firm, one hand across her mouth, until the anaesthetic took effect.
The women passed with no mind to us. They hadn’t seen a thing.
When I was sure Mina was asleep, I gathered her in my arms, spread my wings, and took to the air. The giant appendages protruded effortlessly from my shoulder-blades. I was so used to them by now, after half a lifetime of using them and even longer observing them. I was a Bernstein, after all: the latest in a line of venom which had come down the family since the 1700s. This was, to excuse the irony, in my blood.
I flew as low as I dared. The city opened beneath me in a great tapestry of light, the Wall cutting through it in a jagged line. Thank God Mina hadn’t thought to cross it this time. During one of her episodes, she had made it as far as Checkpoint Charlie before I had managed to restrain her. If it weren’t for a vampire’s ability to blend into the shadows, she might have been shot.
I landed, pulled the wings into my back, then walked around the corner to our apartment block. I took the elevator. I was too exhausted to carry Mina up the stairs. When I finally stumbled through the door, I laid her on the bed, and checked her vitals. Her pulse was strong, her breathing regular, albeit with a soft dry hiss on each exhale. She needed blood.
I fetched a transfusion bag from the fridge and held it against my chest to warm it quickly. Then I fitted an IV needle to the end, slid it into her arm and secured it with tape. This way took longer than drinking, but I had realised some time ago that Mina couldn’t be trusted to ingest it. She had suffered more blood rages than any juvenile vampire I’d ever heard of. Even looking at her now, incapacitated, I didn’t see the woman I loved. I only saw danger.
I fell back into a chair with a sigh. Against the wall, in a double bassinet, lay our twin daughters. They were barely a month old. The elder one, Jocelyn, was the smaller, but I could tell she would be strong in time. Her body was well-defined and as plump as a partridge. As for her sister, little Hanna, her head was already crowned with the red hair of the Bernsteins.
Neither of them had moved since I had run out to find their mother. I was sorry to admit that I was so used to it now, I didn’t worry about leaving them alone. The longest I had ever been gone was fifteen minutes, and even that was fifteen minutes too many. I could have spent those fifteen minutes being a father.
I felt my eyes drooping. Despite my exhaustion, I refused to fall asleep. So I shrugged out of my jacket, returned to the kitchen, poured a little extra blood into a glass and drank it in two gulps. I did it fast, so I couldn’t concentrate on the memories. Full vampires like myself were always subjected to those when we drank.
The person who had donated this bag was an older man. His parents had been on the Eastern side when the city was forced in two. He hadn’t seen them in fifteen years.
The blood invigorated me, but I knew I couldn't rest. I played Elton John’s Caribou on the turntable for some background noise. It was my favourite album, cheering me at the same time it spoke to my thoughts. There was no irony in admitting that should I lose everything, it would be like the sun going down on me.
Suddenly, Mina stirred. I flew to her side and perched on the mattress, ready to restrain her should she lose control again. I forced myself to focus, as a Doktor should. But with her, a splinter of weakness had always broken through my training. I loved her, as much as I had come to fear her. Each time, it hurt more and more. For my entire life, being from a medical family, I had essentially grown up around laboratory equipment and scientific surfaces. But now, I felt like I was living in a psychiatric ward. Every piece of hard furniture was wrapped in fabric. The cutlery drawer was secured with a lock. I had been forced to make such adaptations when Mina first lost control, hoping it would pass. That was almost four years ago.
I smoothed her hair. She flung herself backwards as though I had touched her with a hot iron.
“Be careful!” I cried, snatching her arm before she could dislodge the IV needle. “Lie still! It’s me!”
“Let go!” she snapped.
“I will, when you’re calm.”
She drew in a breath, so deep and slow, it looked as though it physically hurt. Then she turned her eyes on me. The irises were completely red.
“What did you do to me, Wilhelm?”
I released her and handed over a glass of water.
“I had to put you out. You lost control,” I replied. My voice was monotone, like clockwork. I was so tired.
“No, I didn’t,” Mina protested. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not. This is the second time this month.”
I put my nose close to her neck and sniffed the scar there. Beneath the scent of blood, sweat and day-old soap, I caught venom. It was acrid, bitter, like warm vinegar. But it was no more potent than normal. There was nothing to suggest she might complete the final transformation into a full vampire tonight. I knew it would be soon – I had run the blood test which told me it would be this year – but that still only provided a twelve-month window.
A part of me couldn’t wait to have it over and done with. For as long as I had known her, she had been like this: a frightened and lonely juvenile, no turner, no family, no friends. It took so long for her to trust me, and so little time for me to fall too deeply. She was beautiful when she was not vicious, sweet when she was not mad. I wanted to believe, even if it was against my better judgement, that by taking the chance to restore her humanity, I might also restore some semblance of sanity. In a life now dominated by both my study of vampirism and my nursing of her, it was all I had to cling to.
“Am I close?” Mina asked, half hopeful, half languid.
“I don’t think so,” I said.
“How much longer?”
“I’ve told you. I can’t say for sure.”
“What did I do this time? Did I hurt anyone?”
“No, luckily.”
I buried my face in my hands. Just before my fingers covered my eyes, I caught sight of the girls again.
“You need to try, Mina. This is getting dangerous.”
Mina bared her teeth. “Don’t you think I’m trying? You know I didn’t want this!”
Frustration cracked through my patience.
“Try harder! There are a good many vampires who didn’t choose anything, but still they hold on! They don’t run off! They don’t put their children’s lives in danger before they’re even born!”
Mina sat bolt upright. “For God’s sake! How many times am I supposed to apologise for that? I would never hurt my children!”
I shook my head with a snarl, got to my feet, and opened the window over the bassinet to let in some fresh air. My hands shook.
“Wilhelm?” Mina said.
Her voice was so fragile, so like the first time I had heard her, that my heart tore in two. But I couldn’t look at her. Instead, I fixed my eyes on my daughters. They hadn’t stirred, not even as the volume grew higher.
One day, they would carry on the Bernstein legacy. Regarding them now, so fragile and innocent, I hated the idea of sinking my teeth into those tiny necks when they were old enough. But it was the way of things. Every generation needed to play their part, parent to child, turner to juvenile, Doktor after Doktor. It was how we had been for almost two hundred years.
“Wilhelm,” Mina said again, more desperate this time.
“What?”
“I… I don’t know. Please don’t turn away from me, not now.”
I kept still. “How do I know I can trust you anymore?”
“Of course you can trust me! I trust you!”
“That’s not the same. You know it as well, even if it’s only deep down in your gut.”
A sob choked her. “What are you saying? Wilhelm! I will try, I promise! I just… Nein, nein! Stop it! Stop!”
Then I did look at her. She slapped her head, and grabbed handfuls of her hair, as though she meant to wrench it out of her scalp. I ran over, pushed her onto the mattress, and in one deft movement, slid the IV free and held a cotton swab over the puncture. She kicked out, tried to scratch me. Her mouth opened so wide, I thought she might dislocate her jaw.
And then, as fast as it had come over her, she stilled, panting for air. Cautiously, I let go of her.
As soon as she felt me relax, she sprang off the bed and shoved me to the floor. A scream tore itself from her throat – not a sound of pain, or of the final transformation, but of pure unhinged emotion. Before I could even react, the lamp flew across the room, followed by the alarm clock, and the wicker table both had stood on. It slammed into the wall, barely missing the bassinet. At once, Jocelyn and Hanna awoke and began crying.
That broke something in me. I flew at Mina. She raked her fingernails down my face. Blood streamed from the puncture hole in her elbow.
Panic blinded me. I grabbed my jacket, wrapped it around her front, and tied the sleeves behind her shoulders.
“Get off me!” she shrieked. “I haven’t been naughty!”
Furious tears burned my eyes. I had heard many shrill and terrible sounds in my life, but my daughters’ wails pierced my ears as though needles had been driven into my head.
“That’s it,” I said, and as the words left my lips, I knew they were true. “I’m taking the girls somewhere they can't be hurt.”
I heard Mina’s heartbeat shoot up.
“Nein!” she wailed. “Wilhelm, I’m sorry!”
“Are you?” I snarled. “You could have crushed them just now!”
“I didn’t mean to! Please don’t do this! Don’t leave me alone! You promised you would be there for me! You said you would turn me back!”
“I can’t do anything when I think you’re a danger to our daughters. I have to put them first. At least I’m strong enough to defend myself when you attack me. But they aren’t.”
Mina cried my name again, but I ignored her. I locked every window. I stuffed a change of clothes into a backpack, along with some money and baby supplies, then placed the girls, one by one, into a carrying basket. Finally, I reached under the bed, opened the safe concealed there, and took the silken package from inside.
“Wilhelm!” Mina wept. “Please! Don’t do this to me!”
I pulled the backpack on, and picked up my children.
“Don’t follow me.”
When I turned away, I bit my lip so hard, it began bleeding. But I made myself put one foot in front of the other. Then I stepped through the door and locked it behind me, so she wouldn’t be able to break out and hurt anyone else.
I knew I would be back when I was calmer, to discuss what we might do next, but for now, I had to get away. The last thing I heard as I entered the elevator was the record I had left playing, entwined with her frantic weeping.
I took a taxi to a hotel several miles away, and asked for a room on the top floor, in case I needed to fly quickly. Then I calmed the girls, changed them, and fed them one after the other. Hannah fell asleep like a light being turned off, but Jocelyn continued fussing, so I held her in my arms and sang softly under my breath.
My entire body ached. I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. Even now, my usually-steady hands trembled. But away from Mina, the fire began to cool into clarity. I needed to think calmly, rationally, like the scientist I was.
She would be fine for one night. She had taken blood – more than enough – and there was food in the refrigerator. I would return in the morning.
And do what? I knew the answer. It floated somewhere within me, barely tangible. I just needed to wait until it drew close enough to the surface to comprehend, and accept it.
Jocelyn’s eyes closed. I laid her beside her sister on the second double bed.
“This will be for you,” I whispered. I knew they couldn’t understand, but I needed to hear it, if only to draw some semblance of strength.
I turned to the silk package and opened it. Within lay a battered book: small, but crammed with pages and notes. The sight of it brought a wave of comfort. It was the complete record of everything my family had discovered about vampirism, passed down from father to son alongside the venom itself. I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t known of it. As a boy, I had been taught how to read the secret code. I had leafed through it as other children might read a bedtime story. Even during the War, when my parents and I had fled to Switzerland to keep it from Mengele, it was the one constant; the one certainty amid a world of chaos.
One day, I would add my name to the first page, underneath those of all my predecessors. To a Bernstein, there was nothing more precious.
Until now. Until I had held my precious daughters in my arms. And no matter that their mother and I were no more, I owed her salvation to them, if nothing else. So, as I had done so many times, I opened the book at the page where I’d wedged my notes on Mina's progress. For the first time, I hated the cold way I had written everything. It had to be scientifically sound, of course, for the benefit of whoever read it after me, but where was my heart? Where was the love I’d once had?
I glanced at the photo of her, paperclipped to the notes. I had taken it last year, when she told me she was pregnant. It was the first time I had seen her truly smile.
I had given her that smile. And now, I would take it away.
*
I unlocked the door to the flat. To both my relief and surprise, the place was no more worse for wear than the night before. Mina had freed herself from the makeshift straightjacket and lay slumped on the couch. I shook her awake, then retreated to a safe distance.
She raised her bleary eyes to me. The redness was gone now, and only her natural hazel remained. They were the same eyes I had looked into when I'd found her in Frankfurt, freshly-turned, as untrusting and hostile as a cornered animal. She had grown so terrified of her new vampiric condition, and her old mental one, that she had even tried to flee. I had stopped her. Little had I known it would only be the first of many turns upon a steadily-breaking wheel.
“You came back,” she said wearily.
I held onto a chair to ground myself. “I never said I wouldn’t.”
“Where are the girls?”
“Somewhere safe.”
She winced as though I had struck her. “You didn’t leave them alone, did you?”
I shook my head. I had employed the services of the hotel creche to have a babysitter watch them. They had both been sleeping when I left. Hopefully they still would be when I returned, but even so, I supposed it didn’t matter. They were still too blissfully young to have any memory of all this.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
“Better,” said Mina. “Calmer.”
She certainly seemed it. Reassured, I sat in the chair opposite her, but not too far back. I knew from experience that I might need to spring to my feet in an instant.
A tangle of fear and sadness filled her face. I heard her heartbeat in my ears; smelled adrenaline coursing through her veins. She knew what was coming. As for me, I had prepared all morning for this, but now the moment was upon me, I just wanted to turn myself inside out; fall through the floor. Anything to avoid it.
“This can’t go on,” I said. “We can’t go on. Not like this.”
My own voice sounded far away. My lips felt as numb as rubber.
Mina shook her head slowly. “You don’t mean that. You promised me, Wilhelm.”
“I promised I would stay near you until the final transformation, so I could suck the venom out and make you human again. To that promise, I will hold. I won’t condemn you. But I can’t stay with you.”
Mina whimpered. “But… the girls…”
“Please try to understand,” I continued, earnestly but firmly. “It’s dangerous.”
“You mean, I’m dangerous,” Mina said. A growl came into her voice, and I immediately sat a little further forward. She noticed. “God, am I truly so awful? Do you think I haven’t tried? Do you think, if it was so easy to stop being the way I am, I would have done it already? I can’t help it, any more than we can help needing blood!”
“But that’s exactly the point,” I insisted. “I know you can’t help it. But I can only help you in matters of vampirism. And as far as being a Doktor goes, I’m a haematologist, not a psychologist. I can support you, physically tend to you, hold your hand. But I can’t do anything more.”
“Not even love me?”
The question hurt more than I had expected it to. I gazed at her, remembering the face I had fallen for, woken beside, wiped tears from and kissed. Could I truly imagine doing any of those things now?
I opened my mouth, and let out the hardest words I had ever spoken.
“I have loved you.”
For a second, Mina didn't react. Then she crumpled like a piece of paper blown into a fire. She clasped her arms around herself, bent forward, struggling to breathe. It wrenched my heart to see her like this, but for the first in a long time, it was oddly separate. We both felt the same pain, but not as one, and I realised what was breaking her in one moment had already happened to me over several months.
“Please don’t leave me,” she wept.
I forced myself to be strong.
“I’ll give you a day to find somewhere to stay. I’ll even pay for a hotel for a week or so. And I’ll be nearby, so I can be on hand for when you need me–”
“I need you now!”
“No, you don’t. I will remain as I was in the beginning: a Doktor. When you’re human again, then that’s it.”
“What about the girls?” she cried, suddenly frantic. “Wilhelm, don’t take them from me! They’re mine just as much as they are yours!”
My mouth grew dry. “I… I’m not sure how we can proceed with that.”
Mina’s eyes bulged. “Do not take them away from me. I will never forgive you.”
“That might not be my decision to make.”
“I’m their mother! They should stay with me!”
“Maybe so, but you also flung a table at them last night.”
“I didn’t fling it at them!”
“You also almost miscarried them when you threw yourself on the floor. And I know you hate me bringing that up, but you need to hear it, Mina. This isn’t the first time you’ve put them in danger, whether you meant to or not. We need to think of them, not ourselves.”
“And yet you think only of yourself!” she spat. “You have your friends at the hospital, your job. What do I have? What will I have left if you take my daughters away? They are the best thing I’ve ever done!”
“Best we have ever done,” I corrected. “They are not just yours.”
“And they are not just yours!” she. argued. "The only reason you want them is so you can continue your legacy! Was that all I ever was to you? A pet project to turn human again, and a breeder on the side?”
I took a pause. “I don’t want this to get out of hand.”
“It’s already out of hand! And out of order!” Mina raged.
“I’m not going to discuss this with you when you’re in this state,” I said. The words felt rotten in my mouth; I sounded so removed. But I needed to be. I couldn’t let emotions overwhelm me.
“Why?” Mina snapped coldly. “In case you aggravate me? That’s what you Doktors like to say, isn’t it?”
I refused to answer. She glared at me; her eyes flashed red.
“I will never forgive you if you take Jocelyn and Hanna away from me,” she snarled. “Never, Wilhelm. I will fight you for them.”
I sighed. “Get some rest. But I want you out of here by this time tomorrow. Just let me know where you’re staying. Don’t go far.”
Mina spat at me. “I wish there was some other vampire who could turn me back.”
I wiped the saliva off my neck. “Well, there isn't.”
I took myself from the apartment without another word. My family had been a horrid one, filled with murderers and sadists who hid behind scientific papers and military banners. Ancestor after ancestor had inflicted cruelty in their own unique ways. Even my Uncle Tobias, who showed no interest in the vampiric legacy, became a Nazi soldier. My father had said he would have revealed our whereabouts in Switzerland, if he hadn’t died in the Siege of Budapest.
Bernstein names were written in blood. It turned my stomach, how we had only been decent people for the last couple of decades. But I would continue that decency now. The circumstances didn’t matter. Mina’s life was in my hands, and I would not let her down.
She raised her bleary eyes to me. The redness was gone now, and only her natural hazel remained. They were the same eyes I had looked into when I'd found her in Frankfurt, freshly-turned, as untrusting and hostile as a cornered animal. She had grown so terrified of her new vampiric condition, and her old mental one, that she had even tried to flee. I had stopped her. Little had I known it would only be the first of many turns upon a steadily-breaking wheel.
“You came back,” she said wearily.
I held onto a chair to ground myself. “I never said I wouldn’t.”
“Where are the girls?”
“Somewhere safe.”
She winced as though I had struck her. “You didn’t leave them alone, did you?”
I shook my head. I had employed the services of the hotel creche to have a babysitter watch them. They had both been sleeping when I left. Hopefully they still would be when I returned, but even so, I supposed it didn’t matter. They were still too blissfully young to have any memory of all this.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
“Better,” said Mina. “Calmer.”
She certainly seemed it. Reassured, I sat in the chair opposite her, but not too far back. I knew from experience that I might need to spring to my feet in an instant.
A tangle of fear and sadness filled her face. I heard her heartbeat in my ears; smelled adrenaline coursing through her veins. She knew what was coming. As for me, I had prepared all morning for this, but now the moment was upon me, I just wanted to turn myself inside out; fall through the floor. Anything to avoid it.
“This can’t go on,” I said. “We can’t go on. Not like this.”
My own voice sounded far away. My lips felt as numb as rubber.
Mina shook her head slowly. “You don’t mean that. You promised me, Wilhelm.”
“I promised I would stay near you until the final transformation, so I could suck the venom out and make you human again. To that promise, I will hold. I won’t condemn you. But I can’t stay with you.”
Mina whimpered. “But… the girls…”
“Please try to understand,” I continued, earnestly but firmly. “It’s dangerous.”
“You mean, I’m dangerous,” Mina said. A growl came into her voice, and I immediately sat a little further forward. She noticed. “God, am I truly so awful? Do you think I haven’t tried? Do you think, if it was so easy to stop being the way I am, I would have done it already? I can’t help it, any more than we can help needing blood!”
“But that’s exactly the point,” I insisted. “I know you can’t help it. But I can only help you in matters of vampirism. And as far as being a Doktor goes, I’m a haematologist, not a psychologist. I can support you, physically tend to you, hold your hand. But I can’t do anything more.”
“Not even love me?”
The question hurt more than I had expected it to. I gazed at her, remembering the face I had fallen for, woken beside, wiped tears from and kissed. Could I truly imagine doing any of those things now?
I opened my mouth, and let out the hardest words I had ever spoken.
“I have loved you.”
For a second, Mina didn't react. Then she crumpled like a piece of paper blown into a fire. She clasped her arms around herself, bent forward, struggling to breathe. It wrenched my heart to see her like this, but for the first in a long time, it was oddly separate. We both felt the same pain, but not as one, and I realised what was breaking her in one moment had already happened to me over several months.
“Please don’t leave me,” she wept.
I forced myself to be strong.
“I’ll give you a day to find somewhere to stay. I’ll even pay for a hotel for a week or so. And I’ll be nearby, so I can be on hand for when you need me–”
“I need you now!”
“No, you don’t. I will remain as I was in the beginning: a Doktor. When you’re human again, then that’s it.”
“What about the girls?” she cried, suddenly frantic. “Wilhelm, don’t take them from me! They’re mine just as much as they are yours!”
My mouth grew dry. “I… I’m not sure how we can proceed with that.”
Mina’s eyes bulged. “Do not take them away from me. I will never forgive you.”
“That might not be my decision to make.”
“I’m their mother! They should stay with me!”
“Maybe so, but you also flung a table at them last night.”
“I didn’t fling it at them!”
“You also almost miscarried them when you threw yourself on the floor. And I know you hate me bringing that up, but you need to hear it, Mina. This isn’t the first time you’ve put them in danger, whether you meant to or not. We need to think of them, not ourselves.”
“And yet you think only of yourself!” she spat. “You have your friends at the hospital, your job. What do I have? What will I have left if you take my daughters away? They are the best thing I’ve ever done!”
“Best we have ever done,” I corrected. “They are not just yours.”
“And they are not just yours!” she. argued. "The only reason you want them is so you can continue your legacy! Was that all I ever was to you? A pet project to turn human again, and a breeder on the side?”
I took a pause. “I don’t want this to get out of hand.”
“It’s already out of hand! And out of order!” Mina raged.
“I’m not going to discuss this with you when you’re in this state,” I said. The words felt rotten in my mouth; I sounded so removed. But I needed to be. I couldn’t let emotions overwhelm me.
“Why?” Mina snapped coldly. “In case you aggravate me? That’s what you Doktors like to say, isn’t it?”
I refused to answer. She glared at me; her eyes flashed red.
“I will never forgive you if you take Jocelyn and Hanna away from me,” she snarled. “Never, Wilhelm. I will fight you for them.”
I sighed. “Get some rest. But I want you out of here by this time tomorrow. Just let me know where you’re staying. Don’t go far.”
Mina spat at me. “I wish there was some other vampire who could turn me back.”
I wiped the saliva off my neck. “Well, there isn't.”
I took myself from the apartment without another word. My family had been a horrid one, filled with murderers and sadists who hid behind scientific papers and military banners. Ancestor after ancestor had inflicted cruelty in their own unique ways. Even my Uncle Tobias, who showed no interest in the vampiric legacy, became a Nazi soldier. My father had said he would have revealed our whereabouts in Switzerland, if he hadn’t died in the Siege of Budapest.
Bernstein names were written in blood. It turned my stomach, how we had only been decent people for the last couple of decades. But I would continue that decency now. The circumstances didn’t matter. Mina’s life was in my hands, and I would not let her down.
*
The next month crawled by. No matter what I did, my stomach dragged behind me in an iron weight. I knew this was the right thing to do, even though it hurt. The wellbeing of my daughters was paramount.
On the day of the custody hearing, I was trembling so much, it took three attempts just to knot my tie. It was so strange to look around my apartment and see no trace of Mina. Even the freshly-uncovered furniture left me feeling uneasy. For as volatile as she could be, she was also the person who had been my life, and held my heart.
I left Jocelyn and Hanna with a babysitter, and made my way to the courthouse. Inside, Mina glowered at me, but I refused to look at her. I knew what the outcome of all this would be.
I presented my statement: that she had violent and unstable tendencies, which I was not able to care for without endangering the twins. She denied, as I knew she would. But I had been able to afford a better lawyer than her, and the evidence was soon stacked against her. The final nail in the coffin was the mere fact that I had a place to live, in my name. She had no such thing.
Mina leapt up. Her lawyer tried to pull her back down, but she shook him off.
“Your Honour, please!” she begged. “It’s not true!”
“Please sit, Fräulein Schmidt,” said the judge.
“But I would never do anything to hurt them! I’m their mother! Just let me stay with them, please! He’s not telling you the whole truth!”
“I understand this is difficult for you, but if you do not sit down, you will be removed.”
Mina pointed straight at me. “He’s a vampire, Your Honour!”
“Fräulein Schmidt,” the judge snapped, “I will not warn you again.”
She finally took her seat. I couldn’t look at her. I knew she had just shot herself in the foot.
The judge watched Mina for a moment, then heaved a sigh, and spoke.
“I realise the difficulties of dividing a parent from their children, even if there are no further proceedings as part of a separation. I believe both of you love your daughters very much and wish the best for them. However, since at this time, Fräulein Schmidt has no permanent residence and appears incapable of caregiving due to her mental state, I refuse to subject two vulnerable infants to her potentially harmful demeanour. In the best interests of the children, it is the court’s decision to award sole custody to Herr Bernstein.”
“Nein! Your Honour, please!” Mina cried.
“By extension,” the judge said, “due to the extreme distress shown by Fräulein Schmidt, I recommend that she spend a precautionary six weeks in a psychiatric hospital.”
Mina’s face turned pale. I gripped the side of the table in alarm. If only she hadn’t tried to reveal what I was, she might have avoided that.
“Nein…” Mina whimpered. “Nein, please, not one of those places…”
“Your Honour?” her lawyer asked. “Will my client receive any visitation rights with her daughters?”
“This ruling is only temporary,” replied the judge. “I will consider granting supervised visitation rights, providing Fräulein Schmidt is well enough to leave psychiatric care after the aforementioned period. If she is deemed to still be too mentally ill, we will readdress the case one year from now. Court is adjourned.”
The gavel came down. I felt as though the entire room had turned into a black hole. Mina stared into nothing, in shock, her entire body shaking.
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t bear to look at her. I had never hurt anyone so badly.
She didn’t follow me when I left. Instructions had been given that she was not to exit until an ambulance arrived. I loosened my collar, numbly shook my lawyer’s hand, and then stepped outside.
The summer sun seared my eyes. I pulled a pair of sunglasses from my pocket and slipped them on with practised ease. But the pain was distant. Even the relief of keeping my daughters safe was stretched thin. I just needed to go home, and complete menial tasks to distract myself enough.
I took a taxi back to the apartment and paid the babysitter. As soon as she had left, I tore out of my suit as though it was burning me. One of the girls began crying. Even before reaching the bassinet, I could tell it was Jocelyn. Her voice was softer than Hanna’s. I prepared a bottle of milk, sat on the end of the bed and fed her. She gazed up at me with huge brown eyes. They were my eyes.
I tried to imagine her and Hanna as children, then teenagers. Would they keep the same hair colour, or would it darken with age? Would either sport Mina’s widow’s peak? Or her insanity?
I swallowed. One thing was for certain: no matter they were born of two vampires, that condition was never passed by inheritance. Only manual turning could do that: a bite to the neck.
Thought of the Bernstein legacy floated in my mind. There had never been a female recipient, and never two within the same generation. Perhaps, when the girls were old enough, they could make the decision between themselves, of who would take up the mantle after me. Or they might choose to work together. Or, maybe, neither would want it at all.
That rolled a wave of nausea through my belly. One could become a vampire without permission – that was precisely how Mina had been turned – but the consequences were dire. After the final transformation awaited an eternity of frozen time, burning sunlight, relentless loneliness. Only by granting consent could one be like me, still functioning, able to die gently in old age. And only by my daughters’ choice could I give them the gift of the dark.
What if they refused? What if neither wished to be like me, or enter medicine as all our forefathers had done, and continue the research which was begun two centuries ago?
Mina’s words echoed in my head. The only reason you want them is so you can continue your legacy.
Nein. I would never force it upon them. I would insist, I would explain the importance, but before being my heirs, they were my children. And for as far apart Mina and I had grown, I would not forsake her. Once I had restored her, I would put her out of mind and begin anew.
When Jocelyn was finished feeding, I laid her back beside her sister, and stroked her cheek. She grabbed my finger. I couldn't help smiling. She was strong.
I stood and watched as she fell asleep. My heart swelled so much, I worried my chest might not be able to contain it. They looked so tiny, so perfect. How could I have created such magic? Never had I loved anything this much. I would lay down everything for them, and be whatever I needed to be. I would not fail them.
On the day of the custody hearing, I was trembling so much, it took three attempts just to knot my tie. It was so strange to look around my apartment and see no trace of Mina. Even the freshly-uncovered furniture left me feeling uneasy. For as volatile as she could be, she was also the person who had been my life, and held my heart.
I left Jocelyn and Hanna with a babysitter, and made my way to the courthouse. Inside, Mina glowered at me, but I refused to look at her. I knew what the outcome of all this would be.
I presented my statement: that she had violent and unstable tendencies, which I was not able to care for without endangering the twins. She denied, as I knew she would. But I had been able to afford a better lawyer than her, and the evidence was soon stacked against her. The final nail in the coffin was the mere fact that I had a place to live, in my name. She had no such thing.
Mina leapt up. Her lawyer tried to pull her back down, but she shook him off.
“Your Honour, please!” she begged. “It’s not true!”
“Please sit, Fräulein Schmidt,” said the judge.
“But I would never do anything to hurt them! I’m their mother! Just let me stay with them, please! He’s not telling you the whole truth!”
“I understand this is difficult for you, but if you do not sit down, you will be removed.”
Mina pointed straight at me. “He’s a vampire, Your Honour!”
“Fräulein Schmidt,” the judge snapped, “I will not warn you again.”
She finally took her seat. I couldn’t look at her. I knew she had just shot herself in the foot.
The judge watched Mina for a moment, then heaved a sigh, and spoke.
“I realise the difficulties of dividing a parent from their children, even if there are no further proceedings as part of a separation. I believe both of you love your daughters very much and wish the best for them. However, since at this time, Fräulein Schmidt has no permanent residence and appears incapable of caregiving due to her mental state, I refuse to subject two vulnerable infants to her potentially harmful demeanour. In the best interests of the children, it is the court’s decision to award sole custody to Herr Bernstein.”
“Nein! Your Honour, please!” Mina cried.
“By extension,” the judge said, “due to the extreme distress shown by Fräulein Schmidt, I recommend that she spend a precautionary six weeks in a psychiatric hospital.”
Mina’s face turned pale. I gripped the side of the table in alarm. If only she hadn’t tried to reveal what I was, she might have avoided that.
“Nein…” Mina whimpered. “Nein, please, not one of those places…”
“Your Honour?” her lawyer asked. “Will my client receive any visitation rights with her daughters?”
“This ruling is only temporary,” replied the judge. “I will consider granting supervised visitation rights, providing Fräulein Schmidt is well enough to leave psychiatric care after the aforementioned period. If she is deemed to still be too mentally ill, we will readdress the case one year from now. Court is adjourned.”
The gavel came down. I felt as though the entire room had turned into a black hole. Mina stared into nothing, in shock, her entire body shaking.
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t bear to look at her. I had never hurt anyone so badly.
She didn’t follow me when I left. Instructions had been given that she was not to exit until an ambulance arrived. I loosened my collar, numbly shook my lawyer’s hand, and then stepped outside.
The summer sun seared my eyes. I pulled a pair of sunglasses from my pocket and slipped them on with practised ease. But the pain was distant. Even the relief of keeping my daughters safe was stretched thin. I just needed to go home, and complete menial tasks to distract myself enough.
I took a taxi back to the apartment and paid the babysitter. As soon as she had left, I tore out of my suit as though it was burning me. One of the girls began crying. Even before reaching the bassinet, I could tell it was Jocelyn. Her voice was softer than Hanna’s. I prepared a bottle of milk, sat on the end of the bed and fed her. She gazed up at me with huge brown eyes. They were my eyes.
I tried to imagine her and Hanna as children, then teenagers. Would they keep the same hair colour, or would it darken with age? Would either sport Mina’s widow’s peak? Or her insanity?
I swallowed. One thing was for certain: no matter they were born of two vampires, that condition was never passed by inheritance. Only manual turning could do that: a bite to the neck.
Thought of the Bernstein legacy floated in my mind. There had never been a female recipient, and never two within the same generation. Perhaps, when the girls were old enough, they could make the decision between themselves, of who would take up the mantle after me. Or they might choose to work together. Or, maybe, neither would want it at all.
That rolled a wave of nausea through my belly. One could become a vampire without permission – that was precisely how Mina had been turned – but the consequences were dire. After the final transformation awaited an eternity of frozen time, burning sunlight, relentless loneliness. Only by granting consent could one be like me, still functioning, able to die gently in old age. And only by my daughters’ choice could I give them the gift of the dark.
What if they refused? What if neither wished to be like me, or enter medicine as all our forefathers had done, and continue the research which was begun two centuries ago?
Mina’s words echoed in my head. The only reason you want them is so you can continue your legacy.
Nein. I would never force it upon them. I would insist, I would explain the importance, but before being my heirs, they were my children. And for as far apart Mina and I had grown, I would not forsake her. Once I had restored her, I would put her out of mind and begin anew.
When Jocelyn was finished feeding, I laid her back beside her sister, and stroked her cheek. She grabbed my finger. I couldn't help smiling. She was strong.
I stood and watched as she fell asleep. My heart swelled so much, I worried my chest might not be able to contain it. They looked so tiny, so perfect. How could I have created such magic? Never had I loved anything this much. I would lay down everything for them, and be whatever I needed to be. I would not fail them.
*
As always, I took my time tidying the laboratory. Packing down was just as important as setting up. I disposed of the blood slides, placed the microscope back in its cupboard, then finally turned off the lights.
But I didn’t exit straightaway. I liked to wait for a few moments, so my eyes could relax in the darkness. It was a small room, but adapted to my needs: warm filters on the bulbs and windows, to limit blue and ultraviolet tones. My colleagues thought it a little odd, but I’d simply explained that I had a photosensitive condition. And while that was technically true, it had been enough to conceal the deeper truth.
I stepped outside and locked the door. Then I heard footsteps from the other end of the corridor. I recognised who it was before he even spoke: Martin, my manager.
“Wilhelm!” he called. “I didn’t know you were still here.”
I shrugged. “There were some extra things which I needed to finish. I wasn’t expecting you to be working this late, either.”
Martin laughed to himself. “Well, you’re like me in that respect. The best way to spend time is busily.” He paused, tugging on his cuffs to straighten them. “I’m actually glad I ran into you. I wanted to speak to you about something. I was going to mention it tomorrow, but I might as well tell you now. Do you remember that collaboration we did with the hospital down in Donaueschingen?”
“Ja?”
“They got in touch with me again last week. There’s a job opening there, for a new resident haematologist.”
I blinked in surprise. “And you thought of me?”
“Well, you mentioned you have some family around there,” said Martin. “You’re one of the best on the team; I’d be very sad to lose you. Hell, you might not even want to consider it. But I wanted to tell you anyway. I know you’re having a tough time right now. I’ve had to endure one of those custody battles myself. And let me say, from one father to another, sometimes a fresh start can do the world of good.”
I pursed my lips. “Danke. I’ll think about it.”
Martin smirked. “You’ve got time. They only opened applications today. But take it easy, alright?”
He shook my hand, then took his leave. I waited until his footsteps had faded before making my own way towards the exit.
It was only a couple of years since I had visited Donaueschingen, but after my life was consumed by Mina, it felt like much longer. There, I had managed to connect with a cousin, who I hadn’t even known existed until I came across him on a research trip. Otto was about my age, with a young daughter of his own, but the vampiric legacy hadn’t come down his side of the family. He didn’t know what I was, and I had decided to keep it that way.
I sighed. Otto was a decent man, carving out a life for himself in a beautiful place. We had been glad to meet each other, knowing we weren’t alone in the remnants of a mad world. But for as painful as my situation was, could I truly pack up my entire existence, and go from the capital city to the Black Forest?
I put it out of mind. There were more pressing matters to deal with first.
I crossed the hospital campus and approached the psychiatric block. The lights and smells overwhelmed my senses. Everything was sterile, exactly the way I liked it, but the fluorescents drove their beams into my eyes. I was forced to look at my shoes to avoid being blinded. I climbed a staircase and entered the topmost ward, alongside a small crowd of other visitors. They seemed to know where they were heading.
We came to a day room, filled with female patients, some sitting and others standing, others mute or muttering to themselves. Cigarette smoke filled the air and made me cough. I had never managed tobacco well.
I eyed the windows, all secured with locks and wire screens. I had been sneaking through hospitals for decades, blending in with the shadows, so I could walk unseen to the blood bag storage areas. But even then, I had to wait for physical openings. Even if I employed all my stealth, I wasn't able to pass through a barrier which was never opened.
Nerves bit at me. Visiting times were only one hour, in the evening, every day. For Mina’s sake, I hoped she was discharged before the final transformation hit her. If I was incapable of reaching her when she entered the heightened stage, and if I didn’t draw the venom out of her in time, then she would not survive.
I spotted her against the far wall, face turned away from the lights. She sat in an armchair, her knees drawn to her chest, rolling a fountain pen between her fingers. I took a seat opposite her, at a safe distance.
“One week,” she said, not moving. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
As soon as I heard her voice, my hair stood on end. It was raspy, as though she hadn’t touched water all day. Suspicion hardened in my gut like a stone.
“I wanted to check on you,” I replied. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier. There was a lot of work to do.”
Mina glared at me. Her pupils were completely dilated. I could tell at once it had given her a headache. Her pale cheeks were flushed; her mouth drawn down. Her hair had been combed, but had dropped out of its low ponytail and hung limply over her shoulder.
“Look at you,” she sneered wearily. “Happy home, happy job. Two baby girls waiting to have your love every day. And I’m in here with these lunatics, thanks to you. I’m surprised you didn’t try to get your Doktor friends to shove an ice pick into my brain.”
“You likely never would have been committed, if you hadn’t said what you did.”
“I had to try. What else did you leave me to fight with, if not the truth?”
“You know that truth will get you nowhere.”
“So it would seem. How ironic. Shine a light on truth and watch your life go up in flames.”
“Your life isn’t over,” I insisted. “This is only temporary.”
“Being in here isn’t the issue,” Mina hissed. “You knew I never wanted to be in one of these places. You let them do it anyway. But I could live with it, if only I knew I still had my family outside, when I got out. You don’t know what it’s like to have nobody. My parents died in a bomb blast when I was only little. I let nobody get close again until I met you. And now… God, Wilhelm, you’ve taken my children from me. Will you even let me see them again?”
I chose my words carefully.
“There’s a chance for everything.”
Mina snorted. “Is that your way of saying no? Or yes, but only when they’re old enough to join your little bloodline, and can be strong enough to hold me off?”
“I didn’t say anything of the sort.”
“Ja, you did. I can see it in your eyes. You’re afraid of me, of what might happen if I’m in their lives. I bet you wish you never met me at all, don’t you? That day in Frankfurt, when I tried to run away, you know you shouldn’t have come after me.”
I shook my head. “Everyone has things we wish we hadn’t done. But that wasn’t one of them.”
Mina’s lip quivered. “So you do still love me?”
I sighed. “I respect you. I love what we had, and what we created together. But when you are human again, and safe, then we must draw a line under everything else.”
Mina closed her eyes despondently.
“If you only came here to rub salt in my wounds, consider it done. Leave me alone.”
“Not yet,” I said gently. “I want to check you.”
She tossed the pen aside and thrust her hands towards me. As I had numerous times this year, I peered at her fingernails, and sure enough, found the characteristic blue tinge which was the first symptom of the final transformation. Then I felt her temperature. She was cool.
“How thirsty are you?” I asked.
“I’m fine.”
“On a scale of one to ten?”
“I said, I’m fine. Do I seem like it’s going to happen right this moment?”
“You’re close,” I admitted. “Closer than I was expecting, but not imminent. Another couple of days, maybe.”
A dart of fear shot into her eyes.
“How are you going to get to me?”
I swallowed. I wasn’t sure. But I couldn’t tell her that.
“Try to hold on,” I said. “It will happen. You know it will. But the mind can be a powerful tool. Focus on the evenings, when I can be here. Tomorrow; the day after.”
“You really think that will work?” Mina asked scornfully. “Wishing? That’s what children do. And I’m not a little girl.”
“Just try it,” I said, as softly as I could. “I’ll sneak you some blood tomorrow. You’ll need more than normal, to see you through. No matter what you do, or how thirsty you become, do not go for any of these people. Do you understand?”
Mina turned back to the wall. “Are you done?”
“Ja.”
“Then leave. I don’t want to see you any more than I have to.”
Her hostility broke my patience.
“I’m trying to help you!” I hissed. “I don’t have to do that, you know. Despite everything, I’m still here. You don’t want to be left alone? Then stop making yourself alone.”
Mina turned back to me. Her eyes burned with anger.
“Yet another thing I have no choice in,” she snarled. “You don’t understand. You never did and you never will.”
I threw up my hands. “Fine, then. If you’re so desperate to not have my help, you can get another full vampire to turn you back. But good luck finding them while you're locked in here.”
I walked away from her. She didn't move, but I saw a tear roll down her cheek. In the corridor, I slumped against the wall. My body felt like it had turned to stone.
A new thought leapt into my head. What would Mina do when she was discharged? She wasn't from Berlin originally. She had only come here to be with me. Would she truly opt to leave me alone? Would I have to consider a restraining order?
“Stop overthinking,” I snapped at myself. “Deal with that if it happens. Just get home.”
The firmness of my own voice gave me confidence. I kept my eyes half-closed as I descended the staircase, then stepped out into the soft evening twilight. The air was still humid, and within moments, I felt a sweat break out on the back of my neck. Scents assaulted my nose: car exhaust, cigarette smoke, half-melted tar from tarmac which had baked in the sun.
Above it all was the blood. I smelled it in every single person I walked past, even those at a distance. No matter that I had no need to drink, the awareness was something impossible for a full vampire to ignore.
Sometimes, I smirked at the irony of my profession. All Bernsteins were medical people of some kind, but I was the one who had entered haematology. For all the research that had been done, the microbiology of the blood itself was lacking. But the past several decades, the rapid advancements in science and technology had given an edge unlike anything which had come before. I was determined to note as many blood-related aspects of the condition as I could before I reached retirement.
I set my thoughts on that. I would go back to the apartment, see to the girls, then follow a new line of research I had been pursuing prior to the hearing. No matter that it was night. There was no better distraction than work.
Suddenly, I heard a shriek from the psychiatric ward: high, shrill, filled with panic. Mina.
Horror froze my insides. I bolted back inside the hospital; sprinted down corridors so fast, I almost slipped on the linoleum. The stairs flew past me in a blur. But, to my horror, when I reached the ward, all the visitors were standing outside. The door was locked.
“You can’t go in,” a nearby man said, his face pale with fright. “Someone’s having an episode. They pushed us all out so they could restrain her.”
I peered frantically through the tiny window at the top of the door. A chair flew out of the day room. Then two orderlies appeared, dragging Mina between them.
“Get a cold pack ready!” one of the nurses shouted. “I think she’s shoved a pen into herself, or something!”
Mina threw her head back and screamed. At once, I could see why they thought she had harmed herself. There was no scent of spilled blood, but beneath her skin, black lines ran through her veins like ink. Venom, coming to the surface, slowly freezing her from the inside. I had mere minutes to draw it out before she fully transformed.
I banged on the door.
“I’m a Doktor! I work here! I can help!”
“No need, Mein Herr! We’re fine!” the nurse called.
I swore under my breath, and ran back down the stairs until I reached a fire escape. I shoved my way through it, dragged a shadow upon myself and leapt over the railing, unfurling my wings in midair. I flew to every window, but despite the summer night, all were closed. I followed Mina as best I could. Even through the walls, I smelled her; heard her screaming.
“Calm down, Fräulein!”
“Nein! Make it stop! Wilhelm, where are you?!”
I briefly glimpsed her before they pulled her through a doorway. I flapped around the building, half flying, half clinging to the gutters. Concrete grazed my hands. Blood roared in my ears. There had to be a way inside…
She yelled again, and this time, relief surged through me. It was clearer than before. There was an open window!
I followed her voice, but as soon as I found my entrance, my heart sank like a stone. The glass pane was wide, but the mesh was secured with a padlock.
Another scream echoed off the walls. I kicked at the metal; I didn’t even care if anyone saw or heard me. No matter what I did, it refused to give way. The safety features did their job too well.
The scent of the venom burned my nostrils. It was strong, too strong. She was so close…
“Wilhelm, help me!” Mina cried, but her voice was softer. I smelled a sedative. It might be that, or the venom itself; I couldn't be sure. But then she fell silent, and all I heard was the heavy breathing of the orderlies.
I clung to a drainpipe before I could fall out of the sky. Disbelief numbed me. Four years of waiting, assuring her things would be alright. And I had failed her.
But I didn’t exit straightaway. I liked to wait for a few moments, so my eyes could relax in the darkness. It was a small room, but adapted to my needs: warm filters on the bulbs and windows, to limit blue and ultraviolet tones. My colleagues thought it a little odd, but I’d simply explained that I had a photosensitive condition. And while that was technically true, it had been enough to conceal the deeper truth.
I stepped outside and locked the door. Then I heard footsteps from the other end of the corridor. I recognised who it was before he even spoke: Martin, my manager.
“Wilhelm!” he called. “I didn’t know you were still here.”
I shrugged. “There were some extra things which I needed to finish. I wasn’t expecting you to be working this late, either.”
Martin laughed to himself. “Well, you’re like me in that respect. The best way to spend time is busily.” He paused, tugging on his cuffs to straighten them. “I’m actually glad I ran into you. I wanted to speak to you about something. I was going to mention it tomorrow, but I might as well tell you now. Do you remember that collaboration we did with the hospital down in Donaueschingen?”
“Ja?”
“They got in touch with me again last week. There’s a job opening there, for a new resident haematologist.”
I blinked in surprise. “And you thought of me?”
“Well, you mentioned you have some family around there,” said Martin. “You’re one of the best on the team; I’d be very sad to lose you. Hell, you might not even want to consider it. But I wanted to tell you anyway. I know you’re having a tough time right now. I’ve had to endure one of those custody battles myself. And let me say, from one father to another, sometimes a fresh start can do the world of good.”
I pursed my lips. “Danke. I’ll think about it.”
Martin smirked. “You’ve got time. They only opened applications today. But take it easy, alright?”
He shook my hand, then took his leave. I waited until his footsteps had faded before making my own way towards the exit.
It was only a couple of years since I had visited Donaueschingen, but after my life was consumed by Mina, it felt like much longer. There, I had managed to connect with a cousin, who I hadn’t even known existed until I came across him on a research trip. Otto was about my age, with a young daughter of his own, but the vampiric legacy hadn’t come down his side of the family. He didn’t know what I was, and I had decided to keep it that way.
I sighed. Otto was a decent man, carving out a life for himself in a beautiful place. We had been glad to meet each other, knowing we weren’t alone in the remnants of a mad world. But for as painful as my situation was, could I truly pack up my entire existence, and go from the capital city to the Black Forest?
I put it out of mind. There were more pressing matters to deal with first.
I crossed the hospital campus and approached the psychiatric block. The lights and smells overwhelmed my senses. Everything was sterile, exactly the way I liked it, but the fluorescents drove their beams into my eyes. I was forced to look at my shoes to avoid being blinded. I climbed a staircase and entered the topmost ward, alongside a small crowd of other visitors. They seemed to know where they were heading.
We came to a day room, filled with female patients, some sitting and others standing, others mute or muttering to themselves. Cigarette smoke filled the air and made me cough. I had never managed tobacco well.
I eyed the windows, all secured with locks and wire screens. I had been sneaking through hospitals for decades, blending in with the shadows, so I could walk unseen to the blood bag storage areas. But even then, I had to wait for physical openings. Even if I employed all my stealth, I wasn't able to pass through a barrier which was never opened.
Nerves bit at me. Visiting times were only one hour, in the evening, every day. For Mina’s sake, I hoped she was discharged before the final transformation hit her. If I was incapable of reaching her when she entered the heightened stage, and if I didn’t draw the venom out of her in time, then she would not survive.
I spotted her against the far wall, face turned away from the lights. She sat in an armchair, her knees drawn to her chest, rolling a fountain pen between her fingers. I took a seat opposite her, at a safe distance.
“One week,” she said, not moving. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
As soon as I heard her voice, my hair stood on end. It was raspy, as though she hadn’t touched water all day. Suspicion hardened in my gut like a stone.
“I wanted to check on you,” I replied. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier. There was a lot of work to do.”
Mina glared at me. Her pupils were completely dilated. I could tell at once it had given her a headache. Her pale cheeks were flushed; her mouth drawn down. Her hair had been combed, but had dropped out of its low ponytail and hung limply over her shoulder.
“Look at you,” she sneered wearily. “Happy home, happy job. Two baby girls waiting to have your love every day. And I’m in here with these lunatics, thanks to you. I’m surprised you didn’t try to get your Doktor friends to shove an ice pick into my brain.”
“You likely never would have been committed, if you hadn’t said what you did.”
“I had to try. What else did you leave me to fight with, if not the truth?”
“You know that truth will get you nowhere.”
“So it would seem. How ironic. Shine a light on truth and watch your life go up in flames.”
“Your life isn’t over,” I insisted. “This is only temporary.”
“Being in here isn’t the issue,” Mina hissed. “You knew I never wanted to be in one of these places. You let them do it anyway. But I could live with it, if only I knew I still had my family outside, when I got out. You don’t know what it’s like to have nobody. My parents died in a bomb blast when I was only little. I let nobody get close again until I met you. And now… God, Wilhelm, you’ve taken my children from me. Will you even let me see them again?”
I chose my words carefully.
“There’s a chance for everything.”
Mina snorted. “Is that your way of saying no? Or yes, but only when they’re old enough to join your little bloodline, and can be strong enough to hold me off?”
“I didn’t say anything of the sort.”
“Ja, you did. I can see it in your eyes. You’re afraid of me, of what might happen if I’m in their lives. I bet you wish you never met me at all, don’t you? That day in Frankfurt, when I tried to run away, you know you shouldn’t have come after me.”
I shook my head. “Everyone has things we wish we hadn’t done. But that wasn’t one of them.”
Mina’s lip quivered. “So you do still love me?”
I sighed. “I respect you. I love what we had, and what we created together. But when you are human again, and safe, then we must draw a line under everything else.”
Mina closed her eyes despondently.
“If you only came here to rub salt in my wounds, consider it done. Leave me alone.”
“Not yet,” I said gently. “I want to check you.”
She tossed the pen aside and thrust her hands towards me. As I had numerous times this year, I peered at her fingernails, and sure enough, found the characteristic blue tinge which was the first symptom of the final transformation. Then I felt her temperature. She was cool.
“How thirsty are you?” I asked.
“I’m fine.”
“On a scale of one to ten?”
“I said, I’m fine. Do I seem like it’s going to happen right this moment?”
“You’re close,” I admitted. “Closer than I was expecting, but not imminent. Another couple of days, maybe.”
A dart of fear shot into her eyes.
“How are you going to get to me?”
I swallowed. I wasn’t sure. But I couldn’t tell her that.
“Try to hold on,” I said. “It will happen. You know it will. But the mind can be a powerful tool. Focus on the evenings, when I can be here. Tomorrow; the day after.”
“You really think that will work?” Mina asked scornfully. “Wishing? That’s what children do. And I’m not a little girl.”
“Just try it,” I said, as softly as I could. “I’ll sneak you some blood tomorrow. You’ll need more than normal, to see you through. No matter what you do, or how thirsty you become, do not go for any of these people. Do you understand?”
Mina turned back to the wall. “Are you done?”
“Ja.”
“Then leave. I don’t want to see you any more than I have to.”
Her hostility broke my patience.
“I’m trying to help you!” I hissed. “I don’t have to do that, you know. Despite everything, I’m still here. You don’t want to be left alone? Then stop making yourself alone.”
Mina turned back to me. Her eyes burned with anger.
“Yet another thing I have no choice in,” she snarled. “You don’t understand. You never did and you never will.”
I threw up my hands. “Fine, then. If you’re so desperate to not have my help, you can get another full vampire to turn you back. But good luck finding them while you're locked in here.”
I walked away from her. She didn't move, but I saw a tear roll down her cheek. In the corridor, I slumped against the wall. My body felt like it had turned to stone.
A new thought leapt into my head. What would Mina do when she was discharged? She wasn't from Berlin originally. She had only come here to be with me. Would she truly opt to leave me alone? Would I have to consider a restraining order?
“Stop overthinking,” I snapped at myself. “Deal with that if it happens. Just get home.”
The firmness of my own voice gave me confidence. I kept my eyes half-closed as I descended the staircase, then stepped out into the soft evening twilight. The air was still humid, and within moments, I felt a sweat break out on the back of my neck. Scents assaulted my nose: car exhaust, cigarette smoke, half-melted tar from tarmac which had baked in the sun.
Above it all was the blood. I smelled it in every single person I walked past, even those at a distance. No matter that I had no need to drink, the awareness was something impossible for a full vampire to ignore.
Sometimes, I smirked at the irony of my profession. All Bernsteins were medical people of some kind, but I was the one who had entered haematology. For all the research that had been done, the microbiology of the blood itself was lacking. But the past several decades, the rapid advancements in science and technology had given an edge unlike anything which had come before. I was determined to note as many blood-related aspects of the condition as I could before I reached retirement.
I set my thoughts on that. I would go back to the apartment, see to the girls, then follow a new line of research I had been pursuing prior to the hearing. No matter that it was night. There was no better distraction than work.
Suddenly, I heard a shriek from the psychiatric ward: high, shrill, filled with panic. Mina.
Horror froze my insides. I bolted back inside the hospital; sprinted down corridors so fast, I almost slipped on the linoleum. The stairs flew past me in a blur. But, to my horror, when I reached the ward, all the visitors were standing outside. The door was locked.
“You can’t go in,” a nearby man said, his face pale with fright. “Someone’s having an episode. They pushed us all out so they could restrain her.”
I peered frantically through the tiny window at the top of the door. A chair flew out of the day room. Then two orderlies appeared, dragging Mina between them.
“Get a cold pack ready!” one of the nurses shouted. “I think she’s shoved a pen into herself, or something!”
Mina threw her head back and screamed. At once, I could see why they thought she had harmed herself. There was no scent of spilled blood, but beneath her skin, black lines ran through her veins like ink. Venom, coming to the surface, slowly freezing her from the inside. I had mere minutes to draw it out before she fully transformed.
I banged on the door.
“I’m a Doktor! I work here! I can help!”
“No need, Mein Herr! We’re fine!” the nurse called.
I swore under my breath, and ran back down the stairs until I reached a fire escape. I shoved my way through it, dragged a shadow upon myself and leapt over the railing, unfurling my wings in midair. I flew to every window, but despite the summer night, all were closed. I followed Mina as best I could. Even through the walls, I smelled her; heard her screaming.
“Calm down, Fräulein!”
“Nein! Make it stop! Wilhelm, where are you?!”
I briefly glimpsed her before they pulled her through a doorway. I flapped around the building, half flying, half clinging to the gutters. Concrete grazed my hands. Blood roared in my ears. There had to be a way inside…
She yelled again, and this time, relief surged through me. It was clearer than before. There was an open window!
I followed her voice, but as soon as I found my entrance, my heart sank like a stone. The glass pane was wide, but the mesh was secured with a padlock.
Another scream echoed off the walls. I kicked at the metal; I didn’t even care if anyone saw or heard me. No matter what I did, it refused to give way. The safety features did their job too well.
The scent of the venom burned my nostrils. It was strong, too strong. She was so close…
“Wilhelm, help me!” Mina cried, but her voice was softer. I smelled a sedative. It might be that, or the venom itself; I couldn't be sure. But then she fell silent, and all I heard was the heavy breathing of the orderlies.
I clung to a drainpipe before I could fall out of the sky. Disbelief numbed me. Four years of waiting, assuring her things would be alright. And I had failed her.
*
I couldn’t remember going home. Minutes and seconds bled into each other like rain on a drawing. I only came to my senses enough to pay the babysitter and check the girls. I wrenched open the window over the bassinet to let in a breeze, then gulped down a glass of water.
My last words to Mina had been words of anger. Find another full vampire to turn you back. I hadn’t meant it, not really. But it didn’t matter. I had walked away. If only I had kept calm, stayed for just fifteen more minutes… It would have been difficult to suck the venom out of her in the heavily-monitored ward, but I could have found a way. Of all the things to stop me, it was a sheet of wire!
My thoughts flew around my head like a swarm of bees. She was transformed now. There was no going back. If the sun touched her, it wouldn’t just bring out an irritating rash, but burn her like fire. And she would need blood. A lot of it.
I looked at the clock. It was eight now. The next visiting hour wouldn't be until tomorrow afternoon, long after sunrise. I would need to get there early, find a way to sneak into the ward and see her. Perhaps I could tail one of the nurses and slip through the door, the same way I did whenever I needed to steal blood bags. I had one of those in my refrigerator. I could take it to Mina before she had a chance to hurt anyone…
This was all so much more complicated than I ever imagined it would be. Things had been different among the Bernstein line. We were so acutely aware of how our bodies behaved with venom. One being on hand to help another was almost second nature. But Mina was not a Bernstein, and her venom was a completely different batch. She had reached the heightened stage of the transformation faster than anyone I knew.
I felt sick. The water surged back up my throat. I barely managed to make it to the bathroom before I retched. I fell onto my knees, gasping for air. Sleep – that was what I needed.
Suddenly, I smelled something. Venom: strong, fresh; the sharpness of antiseptics; a body odour I recognised. And then, from the bedroom, a baby cry.
I darted towards the sound, falling through the door in my haste. And my heart stopped. Mina was perched on the windowsill, two huge bat wings spread behind her. Blood coated her hands and sleeves. She gazed down at the twins, and reached for Hanna.
I snatched my empty glass and hurled it at her head. It hit her with a heavy smack and she toppled onto the floor, narrowly avoiding the bassinet. When she looked up at me, her hazel eyes had transformed to a furious ebony black.
“Get away from the girls,” I warned.
“I’m not going to hurt them,” Mina said. “I’d never do that. It would be so naughty of me.” A high childish giggle snapped out of her mouth, then dropped into terrifying coldness. “You abandoned me. I was calling for you, and you didn’t come. You promised me!”
“I was there,” I said, hating how much my voice shook. “I couldn’t get to you in time.”
“I don’t want to hear your excuses!” snarled Mina. Her teeth shone in the lamplight. The canines were longer than they had been before.
I glanced at her bloodied hands.
“What have you done?” I demanded.
“They didn’t put me in a straightjacket,” Mina said. “They wrapped me in wet bedsheets, strapped me onto a table and left me there in the dark. I was in so much pain, Wilhelm! I thought I was going to break into a million pieces! And then… nothing. Like all my nerves had been turned off. And then I had wings, and I could see so much better, and I was so damn thirsty.”
She licked her lips. In the background, Hanna continued crying. The noise awoke Jocelyn and she joined in. Mina didn’t blink.
“One of those orderlies was nearest, all alone. I took his keys and unlocked the window. It was tough to figure out the wings, but I suppose I should be used to tough love, shouldn’t I? Thank God I managed to get through it all while it was still night. Don't you agree?”
I swallowed. “You killed the orderly?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. It doesn’t matter. I saw his memories. Nobody will miss him.”
I grabbed the wall in horror.
“How could you do that? I taught you how to… Schisse, Mina… You need to come away from the girls. Right now!”
“I told you. I won’t hurt them.”
“Now!” I shouted.
Mina’s face crumpled. She let out a desperate wail.
“You promised me! You did this to me…”
I threw a glance at the phone. Her escape would be known by now. The hospital would be looking for her. It was technically the safest place, but now she was like this, there could also be no worse place. She would have nowhere to hide from the sun. Everyone in there would be in danger.
“Mina,” I said, as steadily as I could, “I can’t protect you any longer. You need to leave.”
She narrowed her eyes. The blackness of them pierced straight through me. It was like looking into an abyss. How could those eyes be hers?
“Do you know what lies ahead for me now?” she said, half whimpering, half snarling. “Eternity! Alone! I can’t be alone, not like this! Wilhelm, I beg you as I never have before! Help me!”
I swallowed, and shook my head. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Mina whimpered. “You’re not sorry. Not at all! You are the one who’s a demon!”
I gritted my teeth. “Leave. Now.”
A horrid coldness came over Mina's face. She moved her feet on the sill, like a cat ready to pounce. Then, to my horror, she snatched Jocelyn out of the bassinet.
Time stopped on me. I flew forwards, the sounds of my daughters’ cries ringing in my ears. Mina went for Hanna, but I got there first. But Mina only smirked, held Jocelyn tighter, and flung herself into the night.
I couldn’t scream. My lungs refused to work. Panic set my blood ablaze. I laid Hanna on my bed and leapt out of the window. I scanned the sky for Mina. But she had shadowed; I couldn’t see her anywhere. I caught a faint scent over the rising fug from the streets below, went to follow it, but then stopped myself. What if she doubled back while I was searching, and took Hanna as well?
My heart tore in two. My mind emptied of everything save for my daughters’ faces. Then, like awful lightning, I knew. I could either let Jocelyn go, or risk both of them.
With a cry of anguish, I returned to the apartment, stumbled through the window and slammed it shut behind me. I didn’t even pause to pull my wings in. They splayed around me, almost filling the floor. I crawled to Hanna and took her in my arms. She didn’t stop wailing. As soon as I held her, was sure she was safe, the image of her sister consumed my thoughts.
Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t breathe for sobbing. This had to be a nightmare. Not my little girl…
I had to find her, somehow. But Mina might have gone anywhere. She could even have fled to the other side of the Wall, where no human authorities would be inclined to follow. But she would be back, for Hanna, if not for me. And now she was a full vampire, we were equally matched. Who could say who would win the fight?
I rocked Hanna until she calmed, but she didn’t sleep, not straightaway. She cast her eyes around the room like a spooked mouse. I silently insisted to myself that she understood nothing; wouldn’t even remember this horrendous evening. But this was still the first time, in her entire little life, that she had been parted from her sister. She and Jocelyn had grown wrapped around each other, shared each others’ body heat every night. What was she thinking? Somewhere, deep down, did she know?
There was no rest for me now. I locked every door and window, shoved chairs under the handles, and fetched a knife from the kitchen. Not for one moment did I put Hanna down. I waited, half-hoping Mina would try to come back. At least then I could demand where Jocelyn was.
But there was no sign of her. She must have realised I would be waiting, and that I would show no mercy.
Time ticked by with dreadful slowness. I didn’t even relax when dawn came. Assured that the light would now keep Mina in hiding, I hid Hanna in the closet, and took to the skies again. I drew a shadow tight around myself so nobody would see me, and sniffed as I never had before. But it had been too long. The trail was cold.
I searched until I had no more energy. Tears consumed me as I returned to the apartment. My wings shook; the sun had seared my eyes and a fiery rash had broken out across my skin. Everything hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain inside. I snatched at thoughts of Jocelyn’s face, the smell of her, the sound of her silly little giggle. I had to find her.
But I couldn’t leave Hanna, either. Even the idea of the babysitter made my hair stand on end. There was nobody I trusted now. Nobody who could truly protect her.
But I hadn’t protected her, not really. Or Jocelyn. Mina was right. This was all my fault. If only I hadn’t opened the window. If only I’d been standing closer. If only I…
I collapsed onto the floor. The carpet scraped a friction burn across my cheek. My body felt like a cut of meat: a thing of blood and bones in which I was trapped. I could no sooner move than shift a mountain.
My horror simmered, then boiled into hate. I imagined seizing Mina by the hair and slamming her against a wall until her bones shattered. Or, perhaps poetically now, throwing her into the sunlight.
The phone rang. I groped blindly for it, almost pulling the cord out of the socket.
“Ja?” I said half-heartedly. I hoped it wasn’t the psychiatric ward. I couldn’t deal with them, not now.
“Wilhelm?” said the voice on the other end.
I let out the tiniest sigh of relief. It was Martin.
“Where are you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago.”
“Yeah… Sorry, something's come up.”
“What’s wrong? You sound awful. Are you alright?”
“No, I’m not,” I said. “I can’t come in today. I… Forget it.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Martin asked.
I shook my head, then remembered he couldn’t see me.
“Nein, danke. I’ll… see you tomorrow, I suppose.”
I dropped the phone back into its cradle and dragged myself to my feet. I had never missed a day of work, not even when I could barely walk with illness. But, I reminded myself, illness was the least of my worries. I would even have stood in the sun with no protection all summer, if only it could mean Jocelyn was still in my arms.
I glanced at Hanna. She was so fragile, so innocent. How was I supposed to keep her safe? I couldn’t spend our entire lives like I had last night, sitting sentinel, blade in hand.
And then, clarity struck me, like a soft fall of rain. I could keep her safe, but not here. If I took her from this place, far away, somewhere Mina would struggle to reach, then perhaps we stood a chance.
Donaueschingen. There was a position practically waiting with my name on it. I had family who would welcome us. The Swiss border was only a short drive away, should I need to flee back there. And in the meantime, I could vanish into the countryside, shielded by forest and field, and over seven hundred kilometres from this place. It was perfect.
But still, a stone dropped in my stomach. I gazed out of the window – the same I had stood by for years, the same through which I had lost my daughter – and drank in the view. In the distance, I could just about see the Wall. Even here, at the best of times, there was danger. Too much of it. I wouldn’t let Hanna grow up burdened by fear.
“I’m not giving up on you,” I said softly. “I’ll look for you, Jocelyn. I promise. But I need to protect your little sister first.”
I kissed Hanna, changed her into some fresh clothes, and sang to her until her eyes closed. Then I fetched a suitcase, packed it with as much as it could hold, and sandwiched the silk-wrapped book between the layers. I would spend one more night here, speak to Martin tomorrow and give him a version of events. My ex-partner had turned violent, escaped the hospital and threatened me, so I would be taking refuge outside the city.
I rehearsed it in my head, then spoke it aloud, until I could get it out without shaking. There was no need to mention anything more. Not even Jocelyn. I would leave her to the police, and hope that between them and myself, I might see her again.
I picked up the phone again, and flipped through my address book until I found Otto’s number. As the other end began ringing, I turned and looked at Hanna. She lay sprawled on my bed, bathed in a pool of sunshine. One day, I would have to take that away from her. But first, I would give her safety.
Just like Mina, we could not be alone. And we wouldn’t be.
My last words to Mina had been words of anger. Find another full vampire to turn you back. I hadn’t meant it, not really. But it didn’t matter. I had walked away. If only I had kept calm, stayed for just fifteen more minutes… It would have been difficult to suck the venom out of her in the heavily-monitored ward, but I could have found a way. Of all the things to stop me, it was a sheet of wire!
My thoughts flew around my head like a swarm of bees. She was transformed now. There was no going back. If the sun touched her, it wouldn’t just bring out an irritating rash, but burn her like fire. And she would need blood. A lot of it.
I looked at the clock. It was eight now. The next visiting hour wouldn't be until tomorrow afternoon, long after sunrise. I would need to get there early, find a way to sneak into the ward and see her. Perhaps I could tail one of the nurses and slip through the door, the same way I did whenever I needed to steal blood bags. I had one of those in my refrigerator. I could take it to Mina before she had a chance to hurt anyone…
This was all so much more complicated than I ever imagined it would be. Things had been different among the Bernstein line. We were so acutely aware of how our bodies behaved with venom. One being on hand to help another was almost second nature. But Mina was not a Bernstein, and her venom was a completely different batch. She had reached the heightened stage of the transformation faster than anyone I knew.
I felt sick. The water surged back up my throat. I barely managed to make it to the bathroom before I retched. I fell onto my knees, gasping for air. Sleep – that was what I needed.
Suddenly, I smelled something. Venom: strong, fresh; the sharpness of antiseptics; a body odour I recognised. And then, from the bedroom, a baby cry.
I darted towards the sound, falling through the door in my haste. And my heart stopped. Mina was perched on the windowsill, two huge bat wings spread behind her. Blood coated her hands and sleeves. She gazed down at the twins, and reached for Hanna.
I snatched my empty glass and hurled it at her head. It hit her with a heavy smack and she toppled onto the floor, narrowly avoiding the bassinet. When she looked up at me, her hazel eyes had transformed to a furious ebony black.
“Get away from the girls,” I warned.
“I’m not going to hurt them,” Mina said. “I’d never do that. It would be so naughty of me.” A high childish giggle snapped out of her mouth, then dropped into terrifying coldness. “You abandoned me. I was calling for you, and you didn’t come. You promised me!”
“I was there,” I said, hating how much my voice shook. “I couldn’t get to you in time.”
“I don’t want to hear your excuses!” snarled Mina. Her teeth shone in the lamplight. The canines were longer than they had been before.
I glanced at her bloodied hands.
“What have you done?” I demanded.
“They didn’t put me in a straightjacket,” Mina said. “They wrapped me in wet bedsheets, strapped me onto a table and left me there in the dark. I was in so much pain, Wilhelm! I thought I was going to break into a million pieces! And then… nothing. Like all my nerves had been turned off. And then I had wings, and I could see so much better, and I was so damn thirsty.”
She licked her lips. In the background, Hanna continued crying. The noise awoke Jocelyn and she joined in. Mina didn’t blink.
“One of those orderlies was nearest, all alone. I took his keys and unlocked the window. It was tough to figure out the wings, but I suppose I should be used to tough love, shouldn’t I? Thank God I managed to get through it all while it was still night. Don't you agree?”
I swallowed. “You killed the orderly?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. It doesn’t matter. I saw his memories. Nobody will miss him.”
I grabbed the wall in horror.
“How could you do that? I taught you how to… Schisse, Mina… You need to come away from the girls. Right now!”
“I told you. I won’t hurt them.”
“Now!” I shouted.
Mina’s face crumpled. She let out a desperate wail.
“You promised me! You did this to me…”
I threw a glance at the phone. Her escape would be known by now. The hospital would be looking for her. It was technically the safest place, but now she was like this, there could also be no worse place. She would have nowhere to hide from the sun. Everyone in there would be in danger.
“Mina,” I said, as steadily as I could, “I can’t protect you any longer. You need to leave.”
She narrowed her eyes. The blackness of them pierced straight through me. It was like looking into an abyss. How could those eyes be hers?
“Do you know what lies ahead for me now?” she said, half whimpering, half snarling. “Eternity! Alone! I can’t be alone, not like this! Wilhelm, I beg you as I never have before! Help me!”
I swallowed, and shook my head. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Mina whimpered. “You’re not sorry. Not at all! You are the one who’s a demon!”
I gritted my teeth. “Leave. Now.”
A horrid coldness came over Mina's face. She moved her feet on the sill, like a cat ready to pounce. Then, to my horror, she snatched Jocelyn out of the bassinet.
Time stopped on me. I flew forwards, the sounds of my daughters’ cries ringing in my ears. Mina went for Hanna, but I got there first. But Mina only smirked, held Jocelyn tighter, and flung herself into the night.
I couldn’t scream. My lungs refused to work. Panic set my blood ablaze. I laid Hanna on my bed and leapt out of the window. I scanned the sky for Mina. But she had shadowed; I couldn’t see her anywhere. I caught a faint scent over the rising fug from the streets below, went to follow it, but then stopped myself. What if she doubled back while I was searching, and took Hanna as well?
My heart tore in two. My mind emptied of everything save for my daughters’ faces. Then, like awful lightning, I knew. I could either let Jocelyn go, or risk both of them.
With a cry of anguish, I returned to the apartment, stumbled through the window and slammed it shut behind me. I didn’t even pause to pull my wings in. They splayed around me, almost filling the floor. I crawled to Hanna and took her in my arms. She didn’t stop wailing. As soon as I held her, was sure she was safe, the image of her sister consumed my thoughts.
Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t breathe for sobbing. This had to be a nightmare. Not my little girl…
I had to find her, somehow. But Mina might have gone anywhere. She could even have fled to the other side of the Wall, where no human authorities would be inclined to follow. But she would be back, for Hanna, if not for me. And now she was a full vampire, we were equally matched. Who could say who would win the fight?
I rocked Hanna until she calmed, but she didn’t sleep, not straightaway. She cast her eyes around the room like a spooked mouse. I silently insisted to myself that she understood nothing; wouldn’t even remember this horrendous evening. But this was still the first time, in her entire little life, that she had been parted from her sister. She and Jocelyn had grown wrapped around each other, shared each others’ body heat every night. What was she thinking? Somewhere, deep down, did she know?
There was no rest for me now. I locked every door and window, shoved chairs under the handles, and fetched a knife from the kitchen. Not for one moment did I put Hanna down. I waited, half-hoping Mina would try to come back. At least then I could demand where Jocelyn was.
But there was no sign of her. She must have realised I would be waiting, and that I would show no mercy.
Time ticked by with dreadful slowness. I didn’t even relax when dawn came. Assured that the light would now keep Mina in hiding, I hid Hanna in the closet, and took to the skies again. I drew a shadow tight around myself so nobody would see me, and sniffed as I never had before. But it had been too long. The trail was cold.
I searched until I had no more energy. Tears consumed me as I returned to the apartment. My wings shook; the sun had seared my eyes and a fiery rash had broken out across my skin. Everything hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain inside. I snatched at thoughts of Jocelyn’s face, the smell of her, the sound of her silly little giggle. I had to find her.
But I couldn’t leave Hanna, either. Even the idea of the babysitter made my hair stand on end. There was nobody I trusted now. Nobody who could truly protect her.
But I hadn’t protected her, not really. Or Jocelyn. Mina was right. This was all my fault. If only I hadn’t opened the window. If only I’d been standing closer. If only I…
I collapsed onto the floor. The carpet scraped a friction burn across my cheek. My body felt like a cut of meat: a thing of blood and bones in which I was trapped. I could no sooner move than shift a mountain.
My horror simmered, then boiled into hate. I imagined seizing Mina by the hair and slamming her against a wall until her bones shattered. Or, perhaps poetically now, throwing her into the sunlight.
The phone rang. I groped blindly for it, almost pulling the cord out of the socket.
“Ja?” I said half-heartedly. I hoped it wasn’t the psychiatric ward. I couldn’t deal with them, not now.
“Wilhelm?” said the voice on the other end.
I let out the tiniest sigh of relief. It was Martin.
“Where are you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago.”
“Yeah… Sorry, something's come up.”
“What’s wrong? You sound awful. Are you alright?”
“No, I’m not,” I said. “I can’t come in today. I… Forget it.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Martin asked.
I shook my head, then remembered he couldn’t see me.
“Nein, danke. I’ll… see you tomorrow, I suppose.”
I dropped the phone back into its cradle and dragged myself to my feet. I had never missed a day of work, not even when I could barely walk with illness. But, I reminded myself, illness was the least of my worries. I would even have stood in the sun with no protection all summer, if only it could mean Jocelyn was still in my arms.
I glanced at Hanna. She was so fragile, so innocent. How was I supposed to keep her safe? I couldn’t spend our entire lives like I had last night, sitting sentinel, blade in hand.
And then, clarity struck me, like a soft fall of rain. I could keep her safe, but not here. If I took her from this place, far away, somewhere Mina would struggle to reach, then perhaps we stood a chance.
Donaueschingen. There was a position practically waiting with my name on it. I had family who would welcome us. The Swiss border was only a short drive away, should I need to flee back there. And in the meantime, I could vanish into the countryside, shielded by forest and field, and over seven hundred kilometres from this place. It was perfect.
But still, a stone dropped in my stomach. I gazed out of the window – the same I had stood by for years, the same through which I had lost my daughter – and drank in the view. In the distance, I could just about see the Wall. Even here, at the best of times, there was danger. Too much of it. I wouldn’t let Hanna grow up burdened by fear.
“I’m not giving up on you,” I said softly. “I’ll look for you, Jocelyn. I promise. But I need to protect your little sister first.”
I kissed Hanna, changed her into some fresh clothes, and sang to her until her eyes closed. Then I fetched a suitcase, packed it with as much as it could hold, and sandwiched the silk-wrapped book between the layers. I would spend one more night here, speak to Martin tomorrow and give him a version of events. My ex-partner had turned violent, escaped the hospital and threatened me, so I would be taking refuge outside the city.
I rehearsed it in my head, then spoke it aloud, until I could get it out without shaking. There was no need to mention anything more. Not even Jocelyn. I would leave her to the police, and hope that between them and myself, I might see her again.
I picked up the phone again, and flipped through my address book until I found Otto’s number. As the other end began ringing, I turned and looked at Hanna. She lay sprawled on my bed, bathed in a pool of sunshine. One day, I would have to take that away from her. But first, I would give her safety.
Just like Mina, we could not be alone. And we wouldn’t be.